My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
