I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
