I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
