i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Let's get the cat blown out
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
