No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
