I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
