All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
