Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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