I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
