I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
