I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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