Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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