i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
