Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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