The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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