Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
