I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
