Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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