He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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