John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
