Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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