if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
