I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have feelings that need drinking.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
