Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
