I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
