I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
