When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
