I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
