No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
