For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
