That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
