I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
