That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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