it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
