I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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