I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
