she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
