I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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