Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
