I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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