She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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