Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
