i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
