It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
