She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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