I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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