i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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