I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
