I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
