Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
