They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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