Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
