Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
