You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
