The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
